It’s said that we are our own worst critics. And by gosh, as positive in spirits and attitude as I am, I definitely agree. I am unbelievably harsh on myself. Any slip up, any change of plan or mistake I bash myself without a thought… but where does this stem from? I have no clue, but recently I decided I no longer wanted to beat myself up for making mistakes. I needed to give myself credit for finding the lessons in the fuck-ups and not making the same mistakes. After a BIG mistake last month, I am attempting to master self forgiveness and even if I fall off task, I’ll forgive myself and not dwell on a moment and miss out on more.
Last month I made a mistake. No I will not share details on what the mistake was as I am not at a place where I am comfortable sharing details. However, immediately after the mistake was made, surprisingly, I did not worry about how my loved ones would feel and whether or not they would forgive me, but I thought about myself (for once). I quickly thought how would I ever forgive myself for this? I am a very stolid person and I usually keep things (especially emotions) held deep within. I pretty much torture (for lack of a better word at the moment) myself. Since the mistake was made I hadn’t eaten nor had I peacefully slept. I “recovered” after I had a conversation with two of the people I thought of after it happened.
The first person I shared with was someone closely affected. I was honest in answering any questions asked and voiced how I felt about the whole ordeal. I allowed the person to fuss at me and get their frustration out. I figured that that conversation would take the place of any self-bashing I would’ve done to myself and it told me where we now stood. I accepted this reality and
Following that conversation I wrote about what happened. I thought about what lead up to the mistake, how it could have been avoided, my feelings, who was involved, who it would effect. I would not blame myself for this as I was not the only party involved, so why should I stress over a situation that the other party is probably sound asleep on? Psh, bye! Once I embraced that, I felt lighter, could actually eat a bit, but something still weighed on me and sleep seemed impossible.
The second conversation soon followed. I had somewhat shared the events of the mistake with Proud Dad. Although I hadn’t given him any real details about the mistake our talk helped end that ail and speed up what would have been a process. PD did not judge me. He did not coddle me. He was honest. He was understanding and got me to see that I am human and mistakes will be made. He didn’t know that that conversation drew me closer to him (that’s another story).
* * * * *
I can honestly say since then (and a Tumblr post) I have fully forgiven myself. It happened. I grew. I’ve experienced. I’ve lost. And I’ve forgiven, both the other person involved and myself.