It’s been awhile since I’ve seen my smile
And I’m not too sure if I’ll ever find it
I’ve searched all over
Occupied my time with busyness
all the while I’ve walked around
with various smiles plastered on my face
which all have received wide acceptance from the outside world but
underneath it I’ve been so uncomfortable
willing to compromise ANYTHING to escape
this feeling and find MY smile
I’m at a crossroad
I’m not sure I even want to find it anymore
alone, to gather others in hopes of finding my smile
Have you seen it? . . . (to be continued…maybe)
– Viola Constance
I think one of the biggest life lessons I’ve learned [so far] this year is that the truth isn’t for everyone. Everyone can’t handle the truth. Everyone doesn’t want to face their truth, whatever that may be. I try to be as honest, as truthful and up-front as I can possibly can. Not in regards to solely my own feelings and opinions, but that of others as well. I’ve found that just because someone says they want honesty doesn’t mean honesty 24/7 and in every realm. I’ve noticed that words and actions do not always match up. My eyes have been opened to see that just because the truth is my truth, honesty is my route and having others deliver it to me “straight with no chaser,” doesn’t mean that is how everyone else, even those I love and care about wish to receive information. It’s been said that you don’t have to look far for the truth if you really want it and I can attest to that. I have to realize that I cannot help or shelter everyone I love.
Is there a term or phrase for someone who displays “cold feet” when you’re not getting married or in a serious relationship for that matter? Is it just called nerves? I mean it’s happening left and right to men and women. I’ve had conversations with others who have shared that they felt a certain situation or relationship was moving up and on on a more serious exclusive note, but then it all turns to shit. Oh boy how much I could relate. What’s up with that?
As I’ve previously mentioned the individual I’d become very fond of and more than just interested in fell off of the face of the earth. In his fashion he resurfaced and I wasn’t really here for it for numerous reasons. For the sake of space and sanity I’ll just share that I felt his pop ups in and out of my life weren’t healthy to or for me. Those moments we did reconnect there was always something negative he had to share, someone else he was rubbing in my face, or him down in the pits on a wooh is me trip. If it were good, I felt he’d find a way to piss on it. He’d get an attitude out of nowhere and I was left trying to figure out what I said wrong or how did I trigger that attitude. But it wasn’t me though! And I am not alone.
Recently I’ve been having plenty of interesting talks with men ranging from ages 22 to 43 about relationships and why we all are single. The conversations have been very interesting and some things that some of these men brought up sound very similar to things I’ve heard my single girlfriends say.
“I want my bestfriend, girlfriend, lover, homie to be all one person. I want us to have like that Instagram picture-perfect relationship minus the Instagram part.” – Rick, 33
This is a topic that I’ve always wanted to discuss but never felt comfortable enough to do so. Even in private conversations I’ve never wanted to join in and speak my two cents. One of the first somewhat in depth conversations pertaining to religion was with a few of my college roommates. Two of them were finishing up a course in religion and had to write a paper. One of them had asked how do I identify in terms of religion and why. I’d given my answer but there was a but. I wanted to finally speak my truth and realized myself how long I’d been holding this in. The second time I’d had a conversation with my Uncle in regards to religion and my thoughts and feelings about church. That first conversation I was about 18 or 19 the second was around age 22, and now at 25 I’m revisiting this topic. Because of the unanswered questions, because of the doubt, because of the future and possibly my children and because recently a friend got baptistized and re-dedicated herself to the Lord… And I thought it great and was confused all at once.
I don’t fear being alone or in the company of others. I fear becoming involved with someone and them leaving me. Be it in a friendship or a relationship. It takes so much out of me. It’s tough opening up to someone and allowing them in. It’s far more difficult to let go when I’ve made a place for them in my heart. The emptiness is what hurts because that hollow space was customly created for that one being. It can never be filled…