I’ve been thinking of ways to revamp and liven-up my blog. Now that school is finally over (all exaggeration) I want to be sure to dedicate some of my time and energy back into this site, especially because not only do I miss it, I’ve recently gotten a few new followers and I have things to share and hopefully you’ll want to read about them. So let me back track a bit to catch you guys up.
Sorry. Throughout the first year of my M.A. program I was able to continue posting pretty regularly. Going into year two the amount of posts dwindled, and now that I look over it, the content wasn’t too hot either. I’ve realized that I no longer carry the amount of brain power I once did to manage several jobs, academic and personal activities, school, a website and typical day-to-day things that occur in life all at once and sleep a decent 4-6 hours. It just
didn’t, no, it wouldn’t happen. No matter how many lists I made, no matter how many reminders I set, no matter how efficient I was (or thought I was), something literally always had to give. There wasn’t enough time in a day for all I felt I had to do and do you know what I gave up? Sleep! Terrible idea! That caused me more stress and eventually my body no longer doing what u pushed it to do. I literally began falling asleep, anything and any place. Per usual, I cut out anything remotely fun and focused in on finishing up my degree. Year two after my internship with 102.3 KJLH radio ended I stopped even attempting to post things not only on the site, but my social media accounts as well.
The pressures of school and my home-life began to cave in on me and for a short period of time I spiraled. Now, don’t get me wrong, things were going well on paper at school, but I was very snappy at work, I no longer wanted to participate in class and fun literally happened maybe twice a month and when it did, oh boy, did I over do it. I got my act together REAL QUICK thinking about all that I’ve sacrificed to achieve what I set out to and the purpose in that. That and all of the money I dished out and passed up on for this…this piece of paper.
But, in all of the stress and self-doubt I had been
waiting, dreaming of this moment. And with this moment would come great change. I trained myself to LEGIT start living for myself. Yeah, in my mid-to-late 20’s I was finally going to be selfish (it’s really hard for me). After going through the motions of pitching, fighting for, creating and presenting my final project, sitting in that folding chair on that lawn waiting to be called amongst the Master students of the 2018 class I could just cry. All of those sacrifices paid off and I needed them to continue to pay off. This was the beginning of a new beginning.
Originally, after graduation I’d planned on writing this kind of petty yet very critical and in a not-so-academic way of a post of my experience as a Black woman who wanted nothing more than to excel academically and eventually financially AND be a good example for folks (not just kids) from the hood no matter where it is located going through this system that was never designed for me, but tolerates me yet takes jabs whenever it can…
Not going to go there, but you catch my drift. But after all of my hard work. After sitting in the sun, in that white folding chair thinking ‘I’ve gotta sit through this long boring sh!t under this hot @ss sun’… I thought about my ancestors who kneeled in a hotter sun doing work for someone else wishing for spot remotely close to mine. Because of them I can and I’m complaining. Then everything I endured over those 2 years, academically and personally, hit me. It was like when I graduated from Fresno State and the saxophone player played “Never Would of Made It” and I couldn’t stop shaking, swaying, singing and crying… It hit me there on the Oviatt lawn, except this time the tears were replaced with fire and that fire burned all that negativity out of my mind and birthed a beautiful blazing light. Everything I planned to do I’d done so whatever was next I’d make happen.
I’d been wanting to move yet again for some time. However, usually when I do I have something set up – a job, an internship, schooling – this time I had nothing more than more dreams, an empty bank account, a full heart and for once a family member. I made the move to the Greater Atlanta area from Los Angeles (which just like in Fresno and Orlando I’ve been asked toon many times to count, Why?) to start a new chapter filled with so many life lessons and experiences. I’m going to continue to work my butt of for what I want and to get bigger and better things (not materialistically). They’ll manifest as I put out the correct energy and allow my steps to be ordered. I’ve been ready for it, and it seems 2018 is the stepping stone to deliver.
– Viola Constance