This post is pretty overdue. The initial thought about posting about my experience of a quarter life crisis was kind of intriguing. I’d discussed it with a few of my peers and a couple of elders from my family. I tried several times to sit and type (and hand write and voice record) this post and each time I backed out. How could I be afraid to open up and share this? I mean I wasn’t embarrassed or anything. And, well, yeah I wasn’t exactly 25 years old just yet (I was 23 at the time, see told you it was overdue). That was a cop-out of an excuse, I know, I know, but honestly the thought of putting it down, giving it life, having to momentarily relive some of those feelings wasn’t appealing at all. But after seeing that awful draft of a partial sentence and a title I finally got the guts to put it out, at age 25! Oh the irony.
Two years ago I was deeply in my feelings about life in general. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why I wasn’t where I’d wanted to be. I mean I’d done everything right. I was basically a model citizen, well educated in the books and in the streets and young. I should be living right now! I’d graduated college with decent grades and an accolade of accomplishments, yet I’d been rejected from every graduate school I’d applied to (with the exception of one which I’d find out 2 days prior to the start of school). I was stuck working and interning at places that weren’t in either of my career fields. I lacked experience for most entry level positions in the media field and the jobs I wanted in the criminology field had a crazy long application process (of which I’d gone through and been booted out of the running near the end) or the jobs I got in that field paid very little and the organizations were corrupt. I do have morals and standards and money can’t change that.
Aside from education and career “failures” I was stuck back home in Los Angeles at my parents’ house. That wasn’t too bad. I mean I was able to live rent free and kind of save some money for my future. But once you move away from home it’s tough moving back. Besides the killer was that my parents still smoked and I hated it! My lungs hated it. My body hated it. Relationships were failing left and right including family relations and it sucked hard! On top of that I felt alone and singled out with no-one to really turn to. I thought daily about why I’d come back.
Hard pill to swallow. My days and nights blurred together if I didn’t have work. Work was basically my only out. The only thing that gave me some purpose and fulfilled me in many ways. Other than that, I was barely eating and I was always sleeping. No one worried about me, because in appearance and act I was the same old me. I was happy, I was random, I was silly, I was caring and helpful without missing a beat. It wasn’t odd that I was working so much. It wasn’t strange that I didn’t eat as much (I go through random changes in my eating habits). It wasn’t too much of a big deal that I was sleeping a lot. I mean, everyone thought it finally caught up to me and I needed rest. Some thought maybe I was pregnant. I wasn’t, just harboring pregnant thoughts of depression. Why wasn’t I good enough for this or that? I was too tired to even question anything aside from that or even try to answer that question myself.
I’d come across this blog post by Jamie Rachelle at my darkest moment during this time. Aside from a release from writing here and there, I felt a weight off of my shoulders. I felt like someone understood me. She felt me. She embraced it and I got through it. So why couldn’t I? I’d felt this low before (actually lower) and I’ve pulled myself up. Heck, I’ve stared death in the face and almost took my life. However, this was different. I felt my biological clock was ticking. I wasn’t “winning” at anything in life right now. I was single. Baby fever was kicking my butt. I was living at home with my mom and dad. I couldn’t get into a school. I didn’t have a career job let alone a full-time job. I had no idea of what I wanted to do or where I wanted to be. I could not stop thinking of all of the ways I’d failed. And all the while it seemed like everyone was really living life on social media.
Boy was I wrong. I had to remember just as I was selective on what I share online so was everyone else. Some of these folks were doing bad and I’d witnessed it in real life, but they were putting on for the Book and Gram. Others had already weathered their storm and were basking in their sunshine finally. My time would come too. I just had to be patient and learn whatever it was the universe wanted me to in that moment.
If you’re reading this, I just want you to know that if you feel overwhelmed and you’re facing some difficult times, you’re not alone. When you look on Facebook and everyone is happy and everyone is getting blessed, but you, remember that it’s mostly a façade. – Jamie Rachelle
Jamie was and still is absolutely right. You are not alone! We will all go through it at some point in our lives, maybe more than once. Try to patiently enjoy the ride. Learn you in the process and be thankful for the “downtime.” Be grateful for all that you do have. The turn-around will make it all worth it and be sweeter.