Emotions and vulnerability are things that I have always struggled with. It is tough for me to open up to others on an emotional level. When I was younger I cried for everything, just a big ole softy. As life progressed I harden from situations mainly with family and “friends.” But even throughout the transition from shy, happy-all-the-time, crybaby Vi to bold, laid-back, angry quiet Vi I’ve always dealt with other people’s emotions better than my own.
I know it may seem like a big contradiction considering some of the things I’ve shared on here and on my Tumblr, but it’s true. It is easy for me to be vulnerable for someone else and help them through a tough and maybe emotional situation, but it’s a huge struggle for me to deal with my own. I usually bottle up my personal issues and release it far after. And even when that happens, I feel a bit of regret and anxiety as to why I’d shared that information/moment with someone when I don’t feel like I’m being listened to or the person I confined in isn’t attempting to understand where I’m coming from.
As I’ve stated in a few posts this year I’d been making some great self progress. Aside from pushing myself to do so and removing comfort zones I do have to thank Proud Dad/Long Distance for aiding in that. He was always upfront and honest with me about a variety of situations, my attitude/tone, pushing me to explore my feelings and share them. It was nice to have someone there for me like I’d been there for so many others; without judgment, cheering for me to succeed, pushing me to grow and walk a path that I’d created shamelessly. But one thing that has continuously come up with him and others (mainly family) is my lack of emotion.
Now, I’d felt I’d made major progress in this area. I was more vocal about what I was feeling. I was sharing my feelings with others. I was really getting into self exploration and tapping into emotions other than anger. I was even lowering walls and allowing others in, especially PD/LD. Didn’t that count for something? Not really I guess. I’d felt that no matter how much I shared or how much I allowed people in, more was expected. That’s fine. Get me out of my comfort zone, but sheesh! Now I’m not seeking validation or a pat on the back, good job here’s a god star type of celebration for doing things that “normal people” do, but damn, it is something that I have always owned up to struggling with.
When will my vulnerability be Enough? It is MY vulnerability. It is unique like me, so it’ll differ from that of everyone else.
Can you even measure it?
When it feels like more is expected prior to the acknowledgement of growth or the effort in trying, those walls become higher than they were before. Hopefully this makes some kind of sense and resonates with someone. As usual I am attempting to share and structure jumbled thoughts into a decent post. Maybe this will be something that becomes a topic of conversation. This is simply me trying again to be open while I’m at a vulnerable point in my life. Is it enough?
If you’ve struggled with this or are struggling with this please feel free to contact me or comment to discuss this. I’ve come across a few people who have struggled with this and even fewer who are still struggling with this and the talks are really therapeutic. I am actually seeking support to aid in my growth.