2019 is tough. It’s tough when you want that old school, R & B, loyal type of relationship. That send you songs throughout the day, fall asleep on the phone connection. But for some reason we are stuck with situationships, casual dating/sex, pre-dating and a whole host of other bullshit. Why are we afraid of commitment? Why are we so afraid to take risks in terms of relationships? Why are we not so open to finding love?
The wait is over!
This may seem strange to some, but for those who may be a bit more seasoned it isn’t. But I COULD NOT WAIT to turn 30. I just felt like life in my mid to late 20’s was trash!
You hit me in waves causing my
emotions to crash
Going under, far beyond the surface level . . .
– Viola Constance
Trying to make peace with chaos.
– Viola Constance
It’s been awhile since I’ve seen my smile
And I’m not too sure if I’ll ever find it
I’ve searched all over
Occupied my time with busyness
all the while I’ve walked around
with various smiles plastered on my face
which all have received wide acceptance from the outside world but
underneath it I’ve been so uncomfortable
willing to compromise ANYTHING to escape
this feeling and find MY smile
I’m at a crossroad
I’m not sure I even want to find it anymore
alone, to gather others in hopes of finding my smile
Have you seen it? . . . (to be continued…maybe)
– Viola Constance
I don’t fear being alone or in the company of others. I fear becoming involved with someone and them leaving me. Be it in a friendship or a relationship. It takes so much out of me. It’s tough opening up to someone and allowing them in. It’s far more difficult to let go when I’ve made a place for them in my heart. The emptiness is what hurts because that hollow space was customly created for that one being. It can never be filled…
I know that title seems harsh, but it’s fact. It had nothing to do with him being depressed or not being able to deal with whatever may come with that. Heck, I’ve been depressed before and I know that depression affects each person differently as well as each person finding different ways to cope with what their feeling and trying to make sense of it. It’s tough. Anywhos, earlier this month Proud Dad/Long Distant (PD/LD) called me after months of strained communication. During this brief conversation he asked had I ever been depressed to which I’d answered yes (I’d shared this with him before, but did not say that to him). He asked how did I overcome it. I told him I honestly can’t pin point one thing. I told him after some time I was tired of feeling tired, down and feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t stand being in that state mentally or physically especially when I compared all of the things I’d gone through both good and bad, wanting to end my own life and all I’ve accomplished after the moment I decided to truly live. I’d be fighting hard to live and I had to mentally hype myself up to continue on. I told him I remembered what my mother and so many other black elders had told me and other before, “the worst thing that could happen is they say no” and “a no doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world does it?”. I was literally lying in bed feeling drained from just simple daily tasks (showering, eating and going to work) when I said you know what I’m going to just go for everything I’ve been wanting to do. I’d also decided I’d go sky diving and after not splattering all of the ground I pushed forward. I’d asked PD/LD if any of that even made any sense to him and apologized if I hadn’t been of any help.