2019 is tough. It’s tough when you want that old school, R & B, loyal type of relationship. That send you songs throughout the day, fall asleep on the phone connection. But for some reason we are stuck with situationships, casual dating/sex, pre-dating and a whole host of other bullshit. Why are we afraid of commitment? Why are we so afraid to take risks in terms of relationships? Why are we not so open to finding love?
I have all of these questions and very few answers. I am guilty of this as well. Initially I was indecisive when it came to relationships. I’m an overthinker, who gets bored with people easily and have trust issues. I also struggled with letting go of people I like. Not to be cliché but I like hard. Me, in love? Baby it’s no game! I am so guarded, because it’s literally a cycle of hurt before I hurt. We all know the typical answers to the initial questions: afraid of being hurt, don’t want to look stupid, I’m young so why settle down, that’s old-school and a few more common responses.
As an introverted super loner (if we must label, because labels help us categorize) as I age I yearn for committed companionship. I am traditional in the sense of monogamy. One man to myself. I want an alpha male who can take the lead, provide, protect, loves me for me, is loyal, can compromise, is present and patient, who will and can confide in me and is not only emotionally available to be but emotionally mature and intelligent. In return I can definitely give that to him and more. I am sure of it.
If I must be honest, I struggle when it comes to dating. Like many of us, I meet a man I like and all others seize to exist.
I can only “juggle” and get to know but so many people dating wise at a time. I sometimes beat myself up because of this, but it just isn’t in my makeup. Trust me I’ve tried and it drained the hell out of me! None-the-less, it’s so easy for me to stop all communication with men who I once allowed to entertain me. Is this my karma?
Hella dramatic, I know.
Maybe that’s cliché.
Recently, I’ve attempted dating again. This go round has been kind of fun. Definitely interesting to say the least. I’ve most certainly been entertained. I’ve been more open to getting out of my comfort zone, trying new things when meeting new people. Even with all of that . . .
I found myself falling back into old habits. I met a man with an amazing vibe. We have some similarities and our differences intrigues us (well at least me). However, he’s literally a mirror of the layers of me I’ve shed. Just when I felt we were growing closer, he’s pulled back. And just when I’m okay with our experience ending he resurfaces. Now y’all, don’t get on me like “sis he’s just keeping you in his pocket as an option.” I’ve definitely considered that and keep that near the fore-front of my mind. The biggest thing that has kept me at a distance with him is the fact that he isn’t “sure if the relationship thing” is for him. Whether that was true or not, I took that as “I’m not interested in a relationship with you.” Okay, truth, cool.
Moving on . . .
Then there’s D. I guess he was originally someone in my back pocket. Chocolate eye candy, with good conversation. A manly man if you will. I started giving him more attention after he tried coming through for me when I needed an out from a dinner “date” (the date part is up for debate, but that’s another story). More conversation and finally a face to face and it’s like whoa, is this the Alpha man I’ve been trying to speak into my existence?
Anywhos, I’m still treading lightly. Maybe I want a real relationship too badly? Nah, I thought that before and I don’t believe that to be true. This go round has been so much better. The growth and open mindedness. The experiences. I’ve met some amazing men, but dating at this age still sucks. “Relationships” last the length of high school relationships, no one wants titles, everyone’s afraid to feel anything. It’s exhausting.
I’ve rambled enough and if you’ve ever read anything else I’ve written you know I suck at endings, so until next post! – Viola Constance