I wonder what could come of us
if there were more time
if we held more patience
If we loosened our tongues with love
instead of darts that led to regrets
What could come of us
if we pushed through
you owning your flaws and
the parts you played as the cause
if I managed my temper and tone
used my words more wisely instead
of playing the blame game
oh what could we be
without all of our past heartaches and pain
without bondage and chains to others
without ties and lies
could we be
without one another
no more you and I
no us, no we
would we apart, survive . . .
I’m learning to embrace all aspects of my journey. Before, I honestly despised reflecting on the negative things that have occurred in my life. I guess that was my (unhealthy) way of coping. I’ve grown and matured in a way that allows me to reflect and not dwell on the past hurts. I’m learning to reflect, feel, acknowledge and continue forward. Always forward.
Is there a term or phrase for someone who displays “cold feet” when you’re not getting married or in a serious relationship for that matter? Is it just called nerves? I mean it’s happening left and right to men and women. I’ve had conversations with others who have shared that they felt a certain situation or relationship was moving up and on on a more serious exclusive note, but then it all turns to shit. Oh boy how much I could relate. What’s up with that?
As I’ve previously mentioned the individual I’d become very fond of and more than just interested in fell off of the face of the earth. In his fashion he resurfaced and I wasn’t really here for it for numerous reasons. For the sake of space and sanity I’ll just share that I felt his pop ups in and out of my life weren’t healthy to or for me. Those moments we did reconnect there was always something negative he had to share, someone else he was rubbing in my face, or him down in the pits on a wooh is me trip. If it were good, I felt he’d find a way to piss on it. He’d get an attitude out of nowhere and I was left trying to figure out what I said wrong or how did I trigger that attitude. But it wasn’t me though! And I am not alone.
Recently I’ve been having plenty of interesting talks with men ranging from ages 22 to 43 about relationships and why we all are single. The conversations have been very interesting and some things that some of these men brought up sound very similar to things I’ve heard my single girlfriends say.
“I want my bestfriend, girlfriend, lover, homie to be all one person. I want us to have like that Instagram picture-perfect relationship minus the Instagram part.” – Rick, 33
I know that title seems harsh, but it’s fact. It had nothing to do with him being depressed or not being able to deal with whatever may come with that. Heck, I’ve been depressed before and I know that depression affects each person differently as well as each person finding different ways to cope with what their feeling and trying to make sense of it. It’s tough. Anywhos, earlier this month Proud Dad/Long Distant (PD/LD) called me after months of strained communication. During this brief conversation he asked had I ever been depressed to which I’d answered yes (I’d shared this with him before, but did not say that to him). He asked how did I overcome it. I told him I honestly can’t pin point one thing. I told him after some time I was tired of feeling tired, down and feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t stand being in that state mentally or physically especially when I compared all of the things I’d gone through both good and bad, wanting to end my own life and all I’ve accomplished after the moment I decided to truly live. I’d be fighting hard to live and I had to mentally hype myself up to continue on. I told him I remembered what my mother and so many other black elders had told me and other before, “the worst thing that could happen is they say no” and “a no doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world does it?”. I was literally lying in bed feeling drained from just simple daily tasks (showering, eating and going to work) when I said you know what I’m going to just go for everything I’ve been wanting to do. I’d also decided I’d go sky diving and after not splattering all of the ground I pushed forward. I’d asked PD/LD if any of that even made any sense to him and apologized if I hadn’t been of any help.
I never thought I’d be a person with insecurities. I am in no way a cocky person. I was raised and groomed to have confidence. My insecurities have always been more so with health issues than image. I was insecure about my insecurities. I’d never had a declining moment with self esteem during my adolescent years, but it took a hit during my college years. Growing up I didn’t have any major skin issues aside from what we all assumed to be a heat rash. Every summer (or so it seemed) I’d get little red bumps on one of my forearms. It happened other times when my body seemed to get overheated. The rashes lasted no longer than three or four days so there was no need to go to the doctor.