Continue reading“These poems came about as a way to forget. A way to get rid of the sad and keep all of the happy. My attempt at being vulnerable and sorting through the waves of emotions I felt. Taking those tough feelings from relations and relationships where reciprocation was never given, where love was one sided. These are my feelings which have been buried for far too long. I’ve held onto hurt and shame mercilessly. This is my release.”
Viola Constance
Grief.
Grief can take on many forms. It comes in different shades, shapes and many levels. It’s not lateral. Nor vertical . There’s no formula for it. There’s no way to tell when it will begin or end.
About one month ago I posted the following to my snap:
“Love my friends. We’re all walking down our own paths, but to still be there for one another no matter the distance, time difference, etc…” posted on voila.its.viola on 8/2/18
This hit me at a time where I felt like I had just gotten it all together and now it was falling apart and all I could do was smile. I had been in a constant communication with two friends (Domo and Drea) who I basically share almost everything with. I’d been a little in my feelings about other friends that are never around or answer when I need them, but I’m always there for them.
My friend Mario called me via Facebook at bootycall hours. At first I wasn’t going to answer, but after just waking up from a horrible dream and reading a bible verse I picked up. Something told me to talk to him. Plus, I’ve come to learn that when folks call at that hour it’s usually bad news. At first I joked with him “hey man, what I tell you about calling me during these hour?” Lol. He apologized and shared with me the loss of his mother. Continue reading
I’m learning to embrace all aspects of my journey. Before, I honestly despised reflecting on the negative things that have occurred in my life. I guess that was my (unhealthy) way of coping. I’ve grown and matured in a way that allows me to reflect and not dwell on the past hurts. I’m learning to reflect, feel, acknowledge and continue forward. Always forward.
Near the completion of my second college career I decided that I’d get more into reading self-help books, tending to my mental help and providing myself with continuous self-love (hey, that ought to be a post on it’s on ;)). During this journey, that I plan to make a permanent part of my lifestyle, I came across a 21 Day Gratitude Challenge.
I know that title seems harsh, but it’s fact. It had nothing to do with him being depressed or not being able to deal with whatever may come with that. Heck, I’ve been depressed before and I know that depression affects each person differently as well as each person finding different ways to cope with what their feeling and trying to make sense of it. It’s tough. Anywhos, earlier this month Proud Dad/Long Distant (PD/LD) called me after months of strained communication. During this brief conversation he asked had I ever been depressed to which I’d answered yes (I’d shared this with him before, but did not say that to him). He asked how did I overcome it. I told him I honestly can’t pin point one thing. I told him after some time I was tired of feeling tired, down and feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t stand being in that state mentally or physically especially when I compared all of the things I’d gone through both good and bad, wanting to end my own life and all I’ve accomplished after the moment I decided to truly live. I’d be fighting hard to live and I had to mentally hype myself up to continue on. I told him I remembered what my mother and so many other black elders had told me and other before, “the worst thing that could happen is they say no” and “a no doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world does it?”. I was literally lying in bed feeling drained from just simple daily tasks (showering, eating and going to work) when I said you know what I’m going to just go for everything I’ve been wanting to do. I’d also decided I’d go sky diving and after not splattering all of the ground I pushed forward. I’d asked PD/LD if any of that even made any sense to him and apologized if I hadn’t been of any help.
I never thought I’d be a person with insecurities. I am in no way a cocky person. I was raised and groomed to have confidence. My insecurities have always been more so with health issues than image. I was insecure about my insecurities. I’d never had a declining moment with self esteem during my adolescent years, but it took a hit during my college years. Growing up I didn’t have any major skin issues aside from what we all assumed to be a heat rash. Every summer (or so it seemed) I’d get little red bumps on one of my forearms. It happened other times when my body seemed to get overheated. The rashes lasted no longer than three or four days so there was no need to go to the doctor.
viola constance 