I know that title seems harsh, but it’s fact. It had nothing to do with him being depressed or not being able to deal with whatever may come with that. Heck, I’ve been depressed before and I know that depression affects each person differently as well as each person finding different ways to cope with what their feeling and trying to make sense of it. It’s tough. Anywhos, earlier this month Proud Dad/Long Distant (PD/LD) called me after months of strained communication. During this brief conversation he asked had I ever been depressed to which I’d answered yes (I’d shared this with him before, but did not say that to him). He asked how did I overcome it. I told him I honestly can’t pin point one thing. I told him after some time I was tired of feeling tired, down and feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t stand being in that state mentally or physically especially when I compared all of the things I’d gone through both good and bad, wanting to end my own life and all I’ve accomplished after the moment I decided to truly live. I’d be fighting hard to live and I had to mentally hype myself up to continue on. I told him I remembered what my mother and so many other black elders had told me and other before, “the worst thing that could happen is they say no” and “a no doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world does it?”. I was literally lying in bed feeling drained from just simple daily tasks (showering, eating and going to work) when I said you know what I’m going to just go for everything I’ve been wanting to do. I’d also decided I’d go sky diving and after not splattering all of the ground I pushed forward. I’d asked PD/LD if any of that even made any sense to him and apologized if I hadn’t been of any help.
He then shared that he believed that he’s been depressed for quite some time, like years. I wanted to keep him talking, not because I’d actually missed him and conversation, but I’d hoped that whatever he was battling he’d see something differently after sharing. In that moment of him admitting that he’s been depressed I admired him. I’d thought it very courageous to share that. When I was going through it I kept it bottled up for awhile and when I did share I felt a weight lift. He went on about not having energy and then he told me something his child’s mother shared with him…
Not going to lie, I definitely felt some type of way. I did not say anything and simply tried to be a friend and allow him to share and get out whatever he needed to. But after that the conversation died down. We didn’t say much else to one another and the fact that we hadn’t been talking and he’d been having intimate conversations with his ex hit me hard. What I suspected in the very beginning and then again after our miscommunication mishap seemed to be true. I felt I was right, he wasn’t over her regardless of how much time has passed. That hurt even more. I was conflicted. I was pained by this realization and in the same moment I wanted to protect him and help him through whatever it was he was dealing with. I allowed myself to fall asleep and we stayed on the line like we’d done many times before. Hours of connected phone time spent in silence because one or both of use were asleep. It felt different to me. I felt empty and I somehow knew he did as well. When he clicked off of the line the net morning I knew that was it. Our time had expired. I mean I think it expired long ago, but this time we both were really letting one another go.
I did try calling him later that day. I wanted to check on him. I wanted to read into whatever little conversation we’d have. I wanted to ask him what I hadn’t asked him in over several months, did he want to work things out with his child mother. I didn’t get the opportunity because he did not pick up. It didn’t hurt as much as it once did. I’d known it in the back of my mind that he was using me, but I never thought he may be using me as a rebound or in hopes of getting over or back at his ex (for whatever reason). As much as it hurt and as much as I wanted to be angry at him I was not. I was disappointed that he didn’t feel he could talk to me and be open about his feelings. In our season I’d thought I’d always been there for him. I was pissed at myself because I wish this time I was wrong. I fought with myself about reaching out to him again and what that would do. I decided I needed to finally delete him from my life. In trying to help him obtain happiness, I wasn’t nurturing my own. I’d poured so much positivity and love into him, that I hadn’t realized how empty I was left.
There were a number of reasons that I deleted his number, call logs, text threads and de-friended him on Facebook. The main reason was to not dwell on what I thought would be a happy and healthy relationship with an individual who the Universe had only wanted me to cross paths with. We both needed to learn and grow in specific areas of our lives and only our time spent getting to know one another could help with that. I won’t lie, I miss him like crazy. I want to call him and tell him things that have happened to me. I want to fall asleep on the phone with him. But I know what he and I both want aren’t the same and it is finally time to say goodbye. I know it’ll take time for me to get over him as the love I had for him may never fade. If by chance he happens to come across this some day PD/LD I love you, I hope you’ve found true happiness and I wish you well. Bless.