I’m learning to embrace all aspects of my journey. Before, I honestly despised reflecting on the negative things that have occurred in my life. I guess that was my (unhealthy) way of coping. I’ve grown and matured in a way that allows me to reflect and not dwell on the past hurts. I’m learning to reflect, feel, acknowledge and continue forward. Always forward.
Reflections can be therapeutic. As I prepare to embark on yet another journey, I decided I’d do more reflecting on the past year or so. I went back and read my 2016 reflection, and realized all of the things I’ve come out of. All of the good things. All of the lessons learned. The people – temporary and permanent – that I’ve had the pleasure of meeting and spending time with. The love experienced, whether lost or gained, was beautiful no matter how painful. Seeing the good and positives in situations that seemed so dark when I was going through them. I’m so grateful for the many paths I’ve taken, whether chosen or swayed. My gratitude is abundant.
Yesterday, I began my reflection as I realized it is really August 1st, 2018. It hadn’t hit me that my birthday was one month away. It hadn’t hit me that 2018 would soon in end 4 months and I’d be waking up in 2019. As I struggle with going through the motions of being in a new city and state and feeling alone in just about every way imaginable I stopped to reflect.
This year and the end of 2017 I’ve dealt with some pretty deep and heavy shit in terms of self and family. I had to check myself and realize that some of my actions and characteristics were honestly just fucking toxic. I couldn’t excuse some of my behaviors or “blame” others. In the same breath I had to also realize that I was hurting myself in many of those situations. Without going in to deep, I honestly had to let go. Let go of people, no matter how much time we’ve spent together. No matter what we’ve been through together. No matter the blood ties or “love” intertwined. That has ALWAYS been something I had difficulty doing. Letting people go. Now, I know some of you reading who know me are like, “girl please! You drop people left and right!” And I must confess I do. I am capable of that. However, when I feel a connection (like, love) on any level especially spiritual or I feel our energies align, I can’t let go… even if on the outside I let go. Not sure when that developed, because at one point in time in my life I was straight SAVAGE!
With that I prepped as best I could to complete school, which I’d definitely grown to have a love-hate tie to, and the next phase of life. Fast forward to now. I’m okay. I’ve trusted in myself and continually focused on me and my energy. It is most definitely a growing and learning process.
I’ve been allowing others in more easily, but don’t get it twisted I’m not stupid. No matter how cool the person is or I’d like to believe them to be, I’ve been allowing them to come and go (not to return – 2nd, 3rd chances is a topic for later date). I’ve been trusting my instincts and rolling with the waves of my life without allowing others to interrupt.
Although there is SOO much going on with me, I cannot yet share. It isn’t for any particular reason other than I’d like to get my thoughts organized about it all and wrap my head around my reality and my feelings. Here’s my 2018 in a nutshell.
- I binged drank my way from 2017 into 2018. I felt I needed to be numb. It was easy since I’d stopped drinking for several months. Any small taste of liquor would do the trick.
- I graduated from college, again! Graduating from graduate school and being the first to do it in my immediate family was a big feat that I didn’t really bask in. I was just happy I was done and found myself annoyed when people congratulated me after the actual ceremonies.
- I’m okay with my spiritual journey and have been openly talking to like energies about it. I’m not hiding who I am or what I believe, nor do I feel the need to explain my path. What’s for me is for me and is my business. It is what it is.
- I’m not for everybody, not even folks I think “I’m for.”
- Failed relationships (be it family, friends, lovers) aren’t failures! <— this was a huge one for me! Heck, in the last month or so I can’t tell ya how many have come and gone.
- No matter how alone I feel, I am not alone. I’m learning that I’ve got to be just as open as I want others to be with me and realize that when I do, I am not a burden. What are friends for?
- Social media still hasn’t grown on me, actually it’s been the total opposite. Socially I’m soo really to delete all accounts. I like my reality. Professionally, I’m still battling with it.
- Everyone doesn’t know how to be a friend and just because you’re friends doesn’t mean everyone’s in your corner or cheering for you. That’s okay, keep doing you boo boo *claps on cue*
- I’ve concurred hella shit. I’ve felt defeated more than once on many different levels. BUT I’m savage and dope af and no one can tell me otherwise! Through all of the ups and downs – picking up and leaving my beautiful hometown to a place I’d only known through business meetings, going to a place with many plans and nothing set in stone upon my arrival, moving from place to place – I’ve learned so much about myself and have really been awaken to who is in my corner.
- I’m still here! I have purpose(s), and damnit I’m serving!
I hope this reflection in some ways have helped you reflect and brought a smile to your face. Remember, even if you don’t know the why’s or even the how’s or your own limits, there is a plan laid out for you. The bumps in the road are preparation for you to level up. Keep pushing up and forward.