I wonder what could come of us
if there were more time
if we held more patience
If we loosened our tongues with love
instead of darts that led to regrets
What could come of us
if we pushed through
you owning your flaws and
the parts you played as the cause
if I managed my temper and tone
used my words more wisely instead
of playing the blame game
oh what could we be
without all of our past heartaches and pain
without bondage and chains to others
without ties and lies
could we be
without one another
no more you and I
no us, no we
would we apart, survive . . .
I’m learning to embrace all aspects of my journey. Before, I honestly despised reflecting on the negative things that have occurred in my life. I guess that was my (unhealthy) way of coping. I’ve grown and matured in a way that allows me to reflect and not dwell on the past hurts. I’m learning to reflect, feel, acknowledge and continue forward. Always forward.
Life is crazy. Life can be full of sh!t. But life is what YOU make it. I plan to make the most out of mine, my way. There are many things – negative, painful, revolting – in my life, and people including myself, that have contributed to all of the chaos that I have encountered and always dealt with in my head.
Ugh! I know in June I originally wanted to do an overall reflection of 2016 as I was doing a mid-point reflection of the year. Now that it’s that time I’m really not wanting to, but I cannot just drop something I set out to do lol so here goes.
2016 sucked in the most beautiful way. I endured many obstacles on a personal and professional level. I lost many loved ones whom I took for granted and just knew they’d always be here. I’ve had so many beautiful experiences – I’ve cried in public with strangers, I’ve tapped into my emotions, I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable, I’ve experienced accepting love without constantly overthinking motives, I’ve met a wonderful man who in all of his brokenness is a King who I am grateful to have met. I’ve learned many hard lessons like putting myself first and being selfish, because in your 20’s with no kids and obligations other than self, that’s what you’re supposed to do. I’ve struggled with my anger, I’ve been accepted into graduate school and wanted to give up on it all in the same semester. I’ve experienced the world a bit more through my fearless travels, I’ve allowed myself to fail, to “give-up” and much more based on what I felt. I allowed my heart to lead me more than I have in my 25 years of existence. I’ve hopped on a plane to see that broken King and in all the fear allow myself to be open with and to him. I did not complete any of the books I set out to and I’ve witnessed several friends including a few who do not read and heavily complain about writing author and publish books. I’ve connected with strangers on the smallest of things but on the greatest of levels; human rights, music, naturalism, pro blackness, positivity. I’ve let go of family and friends (which has and probably will always be the toughest thing ever for me to do).
So while tons of people are grateful for this year to be coming to a close and are ranting about all of the shittyness that came with it, I’m grateful and it’s a bittersweet feeling to see it go. It is my hope that I continue to grow into the next year and I personally do not retract from any of the amazing progress I’ve made. I thank those of you who follow me, those who send messages and comments (from love, conversation and even edits) and those who uplift me and encourage me to continue to share. It is deeply appreciated.
If no one has told you today I love you, you are cared for and you are needed! I’ll see you all in 2017.
– Viola Constance
The year is half way over and while a part of me feels like it has just started, another part of me is like damn it’s basically 2017. After so many ups and an equal amount of downs I’ve decided to reflect on my 2016. I’ve dealt with depression, family, death, accidents, like (because love hasn’t reared) and much more. In reflecting I’ve found that in this short amount of time (this year) I’ve grown and learned so much as well.
* * * * *
At the top of the year I was pulling myself out of a depressing state. In December I was in a car accident with my mom that left her car totaled and both of us scared and confused. As a parent she was worried about my health and well being. As a child I feared burying my mom. A part of me was content that we were together when it happened. I am very protective of my mother and as far back as I could remember I’ve always told my mom she couldn’t “leave” without me. We would go together. The irony of the accident was that I’d just left the hospital; was released and told that I was in “perfect health.” Negative forces were definitely displeased. I couldn’t understand how someone could not see an entire car. I couldn’t stand that I saw the car coming at us, into my side, and couldn’t yell out fast or loud enough for there to be a reaction that would’ve gotten us out of the way or the other car to stop. Obviously I blamed myself for something that was completely beyond my control.