Disappointment

14573028_1261283167272590_483114038526130919_n

This is in opposition of my last post. I get both sides of it, I guess. I came across this meme on some social media site in October. It really hit home around then, because I was expecting a LOT from so many different people and it seemed they were failing me left and right. Seeing this I realized I was placing this unspoken pressure on them. Not only did I want them to meet an expectation I had, but I’d never even mentioned it to them. In each situation it wasn’t a materialistic expectancy. I’ve figured out all of my expectations with others are emotional or relationship based. And the reasons I may just expect it and not speak about it is because I struggle with being vulnerable and I’m ALWAYS there for others emotionally without request. Shouldn’t I be given the same?

‘Well, yes, yes you should be given the same Viola’ is exactly what I’d been telling myself. With that mindset I endured loads of disappointment that I carried with me into any conversation or situation I’d had with that individual I’d placed expectancy on. I had to get over thinking I was obligated to receive the same. I realized what I already knew, everyone isn’t programmed the same, and I’m placing myself in this realm of disappointment. Everyone isn’t willing to reciprocate what’s given to them in a positive manner. And that’s okay. I can’t fault anyone for that. I shouldn’t fault myself for that either.

– Viola Constance

Pedestal Pressure

This has been something that’s weighed heavily on me for some time now. For as far back as I can remember (and I have a memory like an elephant), I’ve always been strangely “praised” for things and placed up on this pedestal. I’m not sure when I was put here or by whom, but many people have added to it. Friends, family, teachers, employers, peers, and even strangers. It’s tough and the pressure is crazy!

This pedestal  is towering. I had no clue it existed let alone me being on it. The comparisons, the responsibility, the pressure. The pressure of disappointing others, when I’m already weighted with all of the self expectation. The pressure of failing others, even though I’m not sure how I’d fail them and from what. It’s crazy. It’s like an unspoken task that people load off on me and at some point I pick it up and bear the burden of completing it with no actual guidelines for successful completion.

Continue reading