I never thought I’d be a person with insecurities. I am in no way a cocky person. I was raised and groomed to have confidence. My insecurities have always been more so with health issues than image. I was insecure about my insecurities. I’d never had a declining moment with self esteem during my adolescent years, but it took a hit during my college years. Growing up I didn’t have any major skin issues aside from what we all assumed to be a heat rash. Every summer (or so it seemed) I’d get little red bumps on one of my forearms. It happened other times when my body seemed to get overheated. The rashes lasted no longer than three or four days so there was no need to go to the doctor.
More than a friend
More than an option
And not like, everything, EVERYTHING
You’re whole world, your universe
More than just
a comfort place
With whom you rant and rave
Where you’re free to be you in all of your
Theatrical emotional awesomeness.
Ugh! I know in June I originally wanted to do an overall reflection of 2016 as I was doing a mid-point reflection of the year. Now that it’s that time I’m really not wanting to, but I cannot just drop something I set out to do lol so here goes.
2016 sucked in the most beautiful way. I endured many obstacles on a personal and professional level. I lost many loved ones whom I took for granted and just knew they’d always be here. I’ve had so many beautiful experiences – I’ve cried in public with strangers, I’ve tapped into my emotions, I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable, I’ve experienced accepting love without constantly overthinking motives, I’ve met a wonderful man who in all of his brokenness is a King who I am grateful to have met. I’ve learned many hard lessons like putting myself first and being selfish, because in your 20’s with no kids and obligations other than self, that’s what you’re supposed to do. I’ve struggled with my anger, I’ve been accepted into graduate school and wanted to give up on it all in the same semester. I’ve experienced the world a bit more through my fearless travels, I’ve allowed myself to fail, to “give-up” and much more based on what I felt. I allowed my heart to lead me more than I have in my 25 years of existence. I’ve hopped on a plane to see that broken King and in all the fear allow myself to be open with and to him. I did not complete any of the books I set out to and I’ve witnessed several friends including a few who do not read and heavily complain about writing author and publish books. I’ve connected with strangers on the smallest of things but on the greatest of levels; human rights, music, naturalism, pro blackness, positivity. I’ve let go of family and friends (which has and probably will always be the toughest thing ever for me to do).
So while tons of people are grateful for this year to be coming to a close and are ranting about all of the shittyness that came with it, I’m grateful and it’s a bittersweet feeling to see it go. It is my hope that I continue to grow into the next year and I personally do not retract from any of the amazing progress I’ve made. I thank those of you who follow me, those who send messages and comments (from love, conversation and even edits) and those who uplift me and encourage me to continue to share. It is deeply appreciated.
If no one has told you today I love you, you are cared for and you are needed! I’ll see you all in 2017.
– Viola Constance
“You only lose what you cling to” – Buddha
I’ve never did an actual update about Proud Dad/Long Distant on this blog. Those who follow know he was the prize out of four hopeful new friendships from dating apps, and for those who don’t know click here. I was skeptical about writing about him in grave detail for many reasons. One major reason I didn’t write more about him was because of my unsureness. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know if a friendship would grow and a relationship would blossom, but in case it did, I wanted to keep it pretty private (not secret, just private). Another huge reason for the lack of updates was because I’d really started feeling this guy. It was a positive experience and I keep hold of those kinds of thoughts and memories as it is tough for me to write down in full detail what has occurred or what I am feeling (I guess it’s too much excitement), and I’ve also made it a thing to jot down negativity to get it out and I want to keep all of my happy within. PD/LD had become a big part of my happy. Reason three, I didn’t want him to think me strange or obsessed (he may now :/) if I did write more about him. I mean he knew I’d written a bit about him publicly and even read it, but I didn’t want it to become a thing even if he did ask if I were going to write about him again, “why not?” and “you should.”
The faint pink of your lips
I avoided all visual contact
The entire night but
Thoughts of their fullness
Engulfing my pouty puckers
Continuously flooded my mind
Your voice rang out
“You gon’ give me a hug”
Sending a tingly feeling down
My spine at the thought
Of being enmeshed with you
In your embrace, the warmth
Traveled further down to the pool Continue reading
In broad daylight
I close my eyes, secure them tight
A slight grin spreads across my face
As my body begins to relax
My mind drifts off to a far away place
In this paradise-like heaven
I’m in total bliss
As I feel the warmth of your embrace
Your strong hands upon my waist
The cool of your breath hitting my face
I’m dying for a taste Continue reading