“You only lose what you cling to” – Buddha
I’ve never did an actual update about Proud Dad/Long Distant on this blog. Those who follow know he was the prize out of four hopeful new friendships from dating apps, and for those who don’t know click here. I was skeptical about writing about him in grave detail for many reasons. One major reason I didn’t write more about him was because of my unsureness. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know if a friendship would grow and a relationship would blossom, but in case it did, I wanted to keep it pretty private (not secret, just private). Another huge reason for the lack of updates was because I’d really started feeling this guy. It was a positive experience and I keep hold of those kinds of thoughts and memories as it is tough for me to write down in full detail what has occurred or what I am feeling (I guess it’s too much excitement), and I’ve also made it a thing to jot down negativity to get it out and I want to keep all of my happy within. PD/LD had become a big part of my happy. Reason three, I didn’t want him to think me strange or obsessed (he may now :/) if I did write more about him. I mean he knew I’d written a bit about him publicly and even read it, but I didn’t want it to become a thing even if he did ask if I were going to write about him again, “why not?” and “you should.”
I don’t recall what reason I gave him for not posting more about him, but I did post pieces about him on Tumblr in exploration of my feelings. I’m unsure if he’s read those posts, but I post things on various platforms and social media accounts due to levels of comfort, audience and the content of things I’d already been posting/sharing. I like some consistency as well as mystery. So you’d literally need to know me in real life, follow all of my accounts and know people who know me to know maybe a third about me.
Originally when he and I connected we’d both stated that we weren’t seeking serious relationships, just friendships. I was cool with that. It was nice connecting with someone who was somewhat on the same page. I mean I was open if a relationship flourished, he seemed put off by the idea. No big deal, because that helped alleviate any feelings of pressure in my opinion. But then we grew closer, even with the bit of skepticism I held at first, because I was like ‘dude I lowkey ran similar game like this before’ and for awhile held that was on that tip that I once was on. As I got over that it was the terms of endearment. That made me uneasy. If we aren’t seeking a relationship or to have any sexual encounters, then why are we using affirmations? It made no sense to me at all, because I connected that to affection that surpassed friendship. I wasn’t really a mushy kind of girl, however, I went along with it. And that mixed with budding feelings and certain topics of conversations we’d had made me feel unsure. I dislike unsureness in relationships (of any kind).
Eventually one thing I was sure of was my feelings for PD/LD. They grew and grew and it scared the hell out of me. I was allowing him to get closer than I’d ever allowed anyone else and in such a short amount of time. I tried my hardest not to overthink it or any of our situations. I liked it. I liked what we had, whatever the hell it was and without knowing it, I began to cling on to him. I didn’t know how to express it. I didn’t always know how to communicate it to him. I was afraid to let him know. Then I began expecting things. All my fault, I admit it. And I think this and what I discuss below produced my losing him.
I didn’t want him to think of me strangely. Now, yes I’m weird. I know it, he knows it and has called me that many times. BUT I never wanted him to think I was obsessed with him. This thought hit me when I realized how deeply I cared about him and it may have been a bit more than just caring for another human being or a friend. When I came to terms with my true feelings for him and accepted them, I grew extremely quiet about it. I believe I’d actually started closing up on him and pushing him away. I know, that may not make any sense to some of you, but hey that’s apart of me that I cannot help. Whatever. Simply put, I didn’t want to scare him away.
But I think I have.
Because of all of those things, my lack of communicating and the rise of overthinking I began unknowingly pushing him away. He was keeping tabs. I was reacting to certain situations angrily (the one emotion that I’ve always been able to express) and he was slowly drifting away.
So the update on PD/LD is after several months of a beautiful growing friendship, I’ve pushed and pushed until I lost him. It hurts like hell. I’m not sharing this in an attempt to regain his friendship. I’m doing this pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I’m trying to get out of my habits of being emotionless, somehow finding a way to move on, shrugging it off and coping with yet “just another lose.” I’m doing this in exploration of my feelings. Because he isn’t just another lose. He’s a lose I’d never experienced before. I know there’s a first time for everything, but I wish this first could’ve been had with someone else and I would’ve been prepared for him. A part of me wishes I’d never held on to him. A part of me knows he’s moved on and is over me, but a small piece of me hopes for reconciliation. But until then, if ever, I’m falling back and giving him space. “If you love something let it go”… right?
*Note how short the feelings section is? While I’m making progress, it’s still a struggle.