feelings

Leave a comment Posted on Personal

Insecurities

I never thought I’d be a person with insecurities. I am in no way a cocky person. I was raised and groomed to have confidence. My insecurities have always been more so with health issues than image. I was insecure about my insecurities. I’d never had a declining moment with self esteem during my adolescent years, but it took a hit during my college years. Growing up I didn’t have any major skin issues aside from what we all assumed to be a heat rash. Every summer (or so it seemed) I’d get little red bumps on one of my forearms. It happened other times when my body seemed to get overheated. The rashes lasted no longer than three or four days so there was no need to go to the doctor.

Continue reading →

Advertisement
Leave a comment Posted on Personal

Influence of Music | Music Therapy

In the midst of all of the grammy chatter I felt it was only right that I finally completed this post and shared my feelings and love of music, especially after the amazing performance by A Tribe Called Quest, Anderson .Paak, Consequence and Busta Rhymes . This isn’t about music and politics, just the healing powers of music. Enjoy.

I can’t remember a moment in my life when music wasn’t present. Happy, sad, angry, depressed, births and deaths. It has always been playing in the background. When my family celebrated there was music. When we were going through various trials and tribulations, there was music. When no one felt the need to talk and silence may have been unbearable, there was music. Continue reading →

Leave a comment Posted on Personal

Black in Color not Stereotype

ster·e·o·type (stĕr′ē-ə-tīp′, stîr′-) n.

1. A conventional, formulaic, and oversimplified conception, opinion, or image.
2. One that is regarded as embodying or conforming to a set image or type.

 

The struggle to separate oneself from color is one [impossible] thing as it is something that is beyond your control. But separating oneself from stereotypes, although tough, is something that can be done. It just saddens me that I have to do it and the effort that goes into it. Why must I be prejudged on account of formed opinions or the actions of a select few?

It’s kind of sad to admit that I’ve always told myself “don’t be THAT black girl.” Who is that black girl exactly? You know, she’s how they portray us in media and music. Everything that my mother told me not to be without reason. The loud, mouthy, angry black woman. The one who is always in everyone’s business, gives major attitude and then some. All in all she is a headache. She is labeled ghetto. She isn’t heard nor is she taken seriously.

Continue reading →

Leave a comment Posted on Personal

I Clung and Now he’s my Loss

“You only lose what you cling to” – Buddha

what-is-he-doing

I’ve never did an actual update about Proud Dad/Long Distant on this blog. Those who follow know he was the prize out of four hopeful new friendships from dating apps, and for those who don’t know click here. I was skeptical about writing about him in grave detail for many reasons. One major reason I didn’t write more about him was because of my unsureness. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know if a friendship would grow and a relationship would blossom, but in case it did, I wanted to keep it pretty private (not secret, just private). Another huge reason for the lack of updates was because I’d really started feeling this guy. It was a positive experience and I keep hold of those kinds of thoughts and memories as it is tough for me to write down in full detail what has occurred or what I am feeling (I guess it’s too much excitement), and I’ve also made it a thing to jot down negativity to get it out and I want to keep all of my happy within. PD/LD had become a big part of my happy. Reason three, I didn’t want him to think me strange or obsessed (he may now :/) if I did write more about him. I mean he knew I’d written a bit about him publicly and even read it, but I didn’t want it to become a thing even if he did ask if I were going to write about him again, “why not?” and “you should.”

Continue reading →

Leave a comment Posted on Personal

When will it be Enough?

Emotions and vulnerability are things that I have always struggled with. It is tough for me to open up to others on an emotional level. When I was younger I cried for everything, just a big ole softy. As life progressed I harden from situations mainly with family and “friends.” But even throughout the transition from shy, happy-all-the-time, crybaby Vi to bold, laid-back, angry quiet Vi I’ve always dealt with other people’s emotions better than my own.

I know it may seem like a big contradiction considering some of the things I’ve shared on here and on my Tumblr, but it’s true. It is easy for me to be vulnerable for someone else and help them through a tough and maybe emotional situation, but it’s a huge struggle for me to deal with my own. I usually bottle up my personal issues and release it far after. And even when that happens, I feel a bit of regret and anxiety as to why I’d shared that information/moment with someone when I don’t feel like I’m being listened to or the person I confined in isn’t attempting to understand where I’m coming from.

Continue reading →

Leave a comment Posted on Personal

Disappointment

14573028_1261283167272590_483114038526130919_n

This is in opposition of my last post. I get both sides of it, I guess. I came across this meme on some social media site in October. It really hit home around then, because I was expecting a LOT from so many different people and it seemed they were failing me left and right. Seeing this I realized I was placing this unspoken pressure on them. Not only did I want them to meet an expectation I had, but I’d never even mentioned it to them. In each situation it wasn’t a materialistic expectancy. I’ve figured out all of my expectations with others are emotional or relationship based. And the reasons I may just expect it and not speak about it is because I struggle with being vulnerable and I’m ALWAYS there for others emotionally without request. Shouldn’t I be given the same?

‘Well, yes, yes you should be given the same Viola’ is exactly what I’d been telling myself. With that mindset I endured loads of disappointment that I carried with me into any conversation or situation I’d had with that individual I’d placed expectancy on. I had to get over thinking I was obligated to receive the same. I realized what I already knew, everyone isn’t programmed the same, and I’m placing myself in this realm of disappointment. Everyone isn’t willing to reciprocate what’s given to them in a positive manner. And that’s okay. I can’t fault anyone for that. I shouldn’t fault myself for that either.

– Viola Constance