He Told Me He Was Depressed, I Deleted His Number

I know that title seems harsh, but it’s fact. It had nothing to do with him being depressed or not being able to deal with whatever may come with that. Heck, I’ve been depressed before and I know that depression affects each person differently as well as each person finding different ways to cope with what their feeling and trying to make sense of it. It’s tough. Anywhos, earlier this month Proud Dad/Long Distant (PD/LD) called me after months of strained communication. During this brief conversation he asked had I  ever been depressed to which I’d answered yes (I’d shared this with him before, but did not say that to him). He asked how did I overcome it. I told him I honestly can’t pin point one thing. I told him after some time I was tired of feeling tired, down and feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t stand being in that state mentally or physically especially when I compared all of the things I’d gone through both good and bad, wanting to end my own life and all I’ve accomplished after the moment I decided to truly live. I’d be fighting hard to live and I had to mentally hype myself up to continue on. I told him I remembered what my mother and so many other black elders had told me and other before, “the worst thing that could happen is they say no” and “a no doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world does it?”. I was literally lying in bed feeling drained from just simple daily tasks (showering, eating and going to work) when I said you know what I’m going to just go for everything I’ve been wanting to do. I’d also decided I’d go sky diving and after not splattering all of the ground I pushed forward. I’d asked PD/LD if any of that even made any sense to him and apologized if I hadn’t been of any help.

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Poetry Post 3

Untitled

What could of come of us

if we pushed through

you owning up to your flaws

and the parts you play as the cause

if I managed my temper and tone

and used my words more wisely

Instead of playing the blame game

instead of pointing fingers

oh what would we be

without all of our past heart aches

and pain

without our bondages to others

without many pestering negative thoughts

could we be without

one another

no more you and I…

 

– Viola Constance

I Clung and Now he’s my Loss

“You only lose what you cling to” – Buddha

what-is-he-doing

I’ve never did an actual update about Proud Dad/Long Distant on this blog. Those who follow know he was the prize out of four hopeful new friendships from dating apps, and for those who don’t know click here. I was skeptical about writing about him in grave detail for many reasons. One major reason I didn’t write more about him was because of my unsureness. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know if a friendship would grow and a relationship would blossom, but in case it did, I wanted to keep it pretty private (not secret, just private). Another huge reason for the lack of updates was because I’d really started feeling this guy. It was a positive experience and I keep hold of those kinds of thoughts and memories as it is tough for me to write down in full detail what has occurred or what I am feeling (I guess it’s too much excitement), and I’ve also made it a thing to jot down negativity to get it out and I want to keep all of my happy within. PD/LD had become a big part of my happy. Reason three, I didn’t want him to think me strange or obsessed (he may now :/) if I did write more about him. I mean he knew I’d written a bit about him publicly and even read it, but I didn’t want it to become a thing even if he did ask if I were going to write about him again, “why not?” and “you should.”

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Oh, There’s a Word for That

Usually I stay away from phobias. Not because I have a phobia of phobias, but because labels bother me. I have actually only looked up a few phobias years ago due to someone either labeling me or bringing it up in conversation and I was too embarrassed to asked for the meaning. In the short-lived times I’ve researched phobias I found that there are a shit ton of phobias and I refused to live life thinking about all of the possible fears that others have (I mean these phobia words come from somewhere right). Glossophobia is the only phobia I can relate thought I related to until recently.

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