The pain is too heavy. So much so that words get caught in my throat and I’m suffocating, although I am not choking. It’s the same aching pain when Trayvon Martin was killed, except this one hits way closer to home.
Slauson-aire. A legend of legends. A teacher with whom you could really relate. If you’re not from the city you can’t relate on all levels that South Central felt getting that news. I didn’t wanna believe it. When my sister said came upstairs in a huff to deliver the news, I badly wanted it to be a lie. She wanted it to be some sick ass April Fools joke… but it wasn’t. It isn’t.
Ermias Asghedom (Nipsey Hussle) was taken from us. Continue reading
Last weekend I went to the Univer-Soul Circus with my niece. She’s gone every year since my sister moved out of state. I haven’t been to this event since I was her age. It has been 20 years! Now while I don’t recall faces and acts I do remember certain parts of the show; motorcycled in the sphere, elephants, tigers and lots of clowns in a tiny car. Those things are memorable. I remembered my excitement and the looks on my faces as I saw them on hers. But this outing made me think about the changes that have come with age and adulting.
The toughest thing for me since being here has been the job hunt! I’ve never been one to give up easily nor have I been “unemployed” for longer than 3 months (a summer’s time). But coming here I felt like it was a fresh chapter and with my educational background and work ethic I’d get into one of my chosen career fields “in no time.” I mean heck I’d done it numerous times with ease in Los Angeles (a big city) and I had no problem in Fresno (where I got my adult start), so what would be the challenge here besides hella miles, wide open spaces and what I’d thought would be a small decrease in pay?
I originally wrote about trying to get work in the real world after college in 2013 and again in 2015. Well, here it is yet again in 2019. Since the last Life After College post I’ve gone back to school again and obtained my masters of arts degree in journalism. I felt that I needed to learn more and gain more hands on experience to keep my skills up-to-date as well as my resume and of course to gain internships and network. I was able to do all of those things in college, but after graduating it seemed to get more difficult. I continuously applied to job after job, internship after internship. I reached out to people who I felt could direct me and that I’d built report with. Nothing came through. Not a paid job in the field or a “connect” in the field. It was a hard disappointment.
Truth be told, it has always been something I’ve struggled with. I am unsure as to how or when it started. I am unsure exactly what sets it off either. Social phobia. It doesn’t happen in all social settings. There are times that I find myself the life of the party. There are times that I am the one that starts the conversations and pump up the volume. Then there are times that I am anxiously awaiting to be alone. There are times that I want to simply be a shadow in the background and fade away. It is a lot. It is draining. And this is the first time that I am exploring and sharing my feelings about this.
I’ve always toyed with the idea of having social anxiety, but have always dismissed it for something smaller. I’ve held on to the title of being shy. I’ve accepted that I have introverted moments (although there are some people who wouldn’t agree). I’ve accepted that when I have bursts of extroverted moments how important it is for me to rest and recover as it truly alters my productivity and mood. I thought as I aged and matured things would change, but things haven’t. I can vocalize my need to be alone, but I am always stuck trying to explain why. It sometimes comes out as annoyance or even anger. It’s tough.
I’ve been back living at home with my mother and step-father for a little over a year now and I’m noticing things about them that I am sure has happened while I was away. It makes me laugh when I have to constantly try to explain different technologies to them. My mom is now a pro at turning on laptops, getting on the Internet and logging into her email account, but she still can’t figure out how to copy and paste or upload a document. My step-dad always has a cooler phone than I do, but aside from placing calls and text messages, he’s clueless on how to save contacts and change ringer profiles. Typical “old people” stuff.