I don’t fear being alone or in the company of others. I fear becoming involved with someone and them leaving me. Be it in a friendship or a relationship. It takes so much out of me. It’s tough opening up to someone and allowing them in. It’s far more difficult to let go when I’ve made a place for them in my heart. The emptiness is what hurts because that hollow space was customly created for that one being. It can never be filled…
I know that title seems harsh, but it’s fact. It had nothing to do with him being depressed or not being able to deal with whatever may come with that. Heck, I’ve been depressed before and I know that depression affects each person differently as well as each person finding different ways to cope with what their feeling and trying to make sense of it. It’s tough. Anywhos, earlier this month Proud Dad/Long Distant (PD/LD) called me after months of strained communication. During this brief conversation he asked had I ever been depressed to which I’d answered yes (I’d shared this with him before, but did not say that to him). He asked how did I overcome it. I told him I honestly can’t pin point one thing. I told him after some time I was tired of feeling tired, down and feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t stand being in that state mentally or physically especially when I compared all of the things I’d gone through both good and bad, wanting to end my own life and all I’ve accomplished after the moment I decided to truly live. I’d be fighting hard to live and I had to mentally hype myself up to continue on. I told him I remembered what my mother and so many other black elders had told me and other before, “the worst thing that could happen is they say no” and “a no doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world does it?”. I was literally lying in bed feeling drained from just simple daily tasks (showering, eating and going to work) when I said you know what I’m going to just go for everything I’ve been wanting to do. I’d also decided I’d go sky diving and after not splattering all of the ground I pushed forward. I’d asked PD/LD if any of that even made any sense to him and apologized if I hadn’t been of any help.
I never thought I’d be a person with insecurities. I am in no way a cocky person. I was raised and groomed to have confidence. My insecurities have always been more so with health issues than image. I was insecure about my insecurities. I’d never had a declining moment with self esteem during my adolescent years, but it took a hit during my college years. Growing up I didn’t have any major skin issues aside from what we all assumed to be a heat rash. Every summer (or so it seemed) I’d get little red bumps on one of my forearms. It happened other times when my body seemed to get overheated. The rashes lasted no longer than three or four days so there was no need to go to the doctor.
In the midst of all of the grammy chatter I felt it was only right that I finally completed this post and shared my feelings and love of music, especially after the amazing performance by A Tribe Called Quest, Anderson .Paak, Consequence and Busta Rhymes . This isn’t about music and politics, just the healing powers of music. Enjoy.
I can’t remember a moment in my life when music wasn’t present. Happy, sad, angry, depressed, births and deaths. It has always been playing in the background. When my family celebrated there was music. When we were going through various trials and tribulations, there was music. When no one felt the need to talk and silence may have been unbearable, there was music. Continue reading
ster·e·o·type (stĕr′ē-ə-tīp′, stîr′-) n.
The struggle to separate oneself from color is one [impossible] thing as it is something that is beyond your control. But separating oneself from stereotypes, although tough, is something that can be done. It just saddens me that I have to do it and the effort that goes into it. Why must I be prejudged on account of formed opinions or the actions of a select few?
It’s kind of sad to admit that I’ve always told myself “don’t be THAT black girl.” Who is that black girl exactly? You know, she’s how they portray us in media and music. Everything that my mother told me not to be without reason. The loud, mouthy, angry black woman. The one who is always in everyone’s business, gives major attitude and then some. All in all she is a headache. She is labeled ghetto. She isn’t heard nor is she taken seriously.
You lose what you cling to
and my soul aches for you
your clamorous silence paralyzed my heart
though it hasn’t been that long
“I think of you daily, still”
It was nice while it lasted…
-Viola Constance
Ugh! I know in June I originally wanted to do an overall reflection of 2016 as I was doing a mid-point reflection of the year. Now that it’s that time I’m really not wanting to, but I cannot just drop something I set out to do lol so here goes.
2016 sucked in the most beautiful way. I endured many obstacles on a personal and professional level. I lost many loved ones whom I took for granted and just knew they’d always be here. I’ve had so many beautiful experiences – I’ve cried in public with strangers, I’ve tapped into my emotions, I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable, I’ve experienced accepting love without constantly overthinking motives, I’ve met a wonderful man who in all of his brokenness is a King who I am grateful to have met. I’ve learned many hard lessons like putting myself first and being selfish, because in your 20’s with no kids and obligations other than self, that’s what you’re supposed to do. I’ve struggled with my anger, I’ve been accepted into graduate school and wanted to give up on it all in the same semester. I’ve experienced the world a bit more through my fearless travels, I’ve allowed myself to fail, to “give-up” and much more based on what I felt. I allowed my heart to lead me more than I have in my 25 years of existence. I’ve hopped on a plane to see that broken King and in all the fear allow myself to be open with and to him. I did not complete any of the books I set out to and I’ve witnessed several friends including a few who do not read and heavily complain about writing author and publish books. I’ve connected with strangers on the smallest of things but on the greatest of levels; human rights, music, naturalism, pro blackness, positivity. I’ve let go of family and friends (which has and probably will always be the toughest thing ever for me to do).
So while tons of people are grateful for this year to be coming to a close and are ranting about all of the shittyness that came with it, I’m grateful and it’s a bittersweet feeling to see it go. It is my hope that I continue to grow into the next year and I personally do not retract from any of the amazing progress I’ve made. I thank those of you who follow me, those who send messages and comments (from love, conversation and even edits) and those who uplift me and encourage me to continue to share. It is deeply appreciated.
If no one has told you today I love you, you are cared for and you are needed! I’ll see you all in 2017.
– Viola Constance
viola constance 