Ugh! I know in June I originally wanted to do an overall reflection of 2016 as I was doing a mid-point reflection of the year. Now that it’s that time I’m really not wanting to, but I cannot just drop something I set out to do lol so here goes.
2016 sucked in the most beautiful way. I endured many obstacles on a personal and professional level. I lost many loved ones whom I took for granted and just knew they’d always be here. I’ve had so many beautiful experiences – I’ve cried in public with strangers, I’ve tapped into my emotions, I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable, I’ve experienced accepting love without constantly overthinking motives, I’ve met a wonderful man who in all of his brokenness is a King who I am grateful to have met. I’ve learned many hard lessons like putting myself first and being selfish, because in your 20’s with no kids and obligations other than self, that’s what you’re supposed to do. I’ve struggled with my anger, I’ve been accepted into graduate school and wanted to give up on it all in the same semester. I’ve experienced the world a bit more through my fearless travels, I’ve allowed myself to fail, to “give-up” and much more based on what I felt. I allowed my heart to lead me more than I have in my 25 years of existence. I’ve hopped on a plane to see that broken King and in all the fear allow myself to be open with and to him. I did not complete any of the books I set out to and I’ve witnessed several friends including a few who do not read and heavily complain about writing author and publish books. I’ve connected with strangers on the smallest of things but on the greatest of levels; human rights, music, naturalism, pro blackness, positivity. I’ve let go of family and friends (which has and probably will always be the toughest thing ever for me to do).
So while tons of people are grateful for this year to be coming to a close and are ranting about all of the shittyness that came with it, I’m grateful and it’s a bittersweet feeling to see it go. It is my hope that I continue to grow into the next year and I personally do not retract from any of the amazing progress I’ve made. I thank those of you who follow me, those who send messages and comments (from love, conversation and even edits) and those who uplift me and encourage me to continue to share. It is deeply appreciated.
If no one has told you today I love you, you are cared for and you are needed! I’ll see you all in 2017.
– Viola Constance
2016 has been very good to me I must admit. After going through a tough year in 2015 – dealing with depression and more- I completely shut all the way down. Looking back I realize just how bad 2015 was. I was down in the dumps about plenty. I still hadn’t been admitted to a graduate program, I was waitlisted then declined to go to Peace Corps, I went through the long and tedious application and interview process to be a probation officer for LA County and was rejected nearing the end of the process, dealing with family and personal issues, I was at a job that I had a love/hate (loved the clients, hated the organization) relationship for, and unbeknownst to me back then, I hadn’t seen any of my really good/close friends in over a year. I was literally a robot. I’d routinely get out go to work, write a bit and sleep until the next day to do it all over again. Somehow I managed to groom myself and eat occasionally to keep up appearance. I told everyone all was well, but really I couldn’t see my purpose. My confidence was declining. That joy, hope and love for life just wasn’t there. Then one day I decided to share my feelings with those closest to me.
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This post is pretty overdue. The initial thought about posting about my experience of a quarter life crisis was kind of intriguing. I’d discussed it with a few of my peers and a couple of elders from my family. I tried several times to sit and type (and hand write and voice record) this post and each time I backed out. How could I be afraid to open up and share this? I mean I wasn’t embarrassed or anything. And, well, yeah I wasn’t exactly 25 years old just yet (I was 23 at the time, see told you it was overdue). That was a cop-out of an excuse, I know, I know, but honestly the thought of putting it down, giving it life, having to momentarily relive some of those feelings wasn’t appealing at all. But after seeing that awful draft of a partial sentence and a title I finally got the guts to put it out, at age 25! Oh the irony.
Two years ago I was deeply in my feelings about life in general. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why Continue reading →
The year is half way over and while a part of me feels like it has just started, another part of me is like damn it’s basically 2017. After so many ups and an equal amount of downs I’ve decided to reflect on my 2016. I’ve dealt with depression, family, death, accidents, like (because love hasn’t reared) and much more. In reflecting I’ve found that in this short amount of time (this year) I’ve grown and learned so much as well.
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At the top of the year I was pulling myself out of a depressing state. In December I was in a car accident with my mom that left her car totaled and both of us scared and confused. As a parent she was worried about my health and well being. As a child I feared burying my mom. A part of me was content that we were together when it happened. I am very protective of my mother and as far back as I could remember I’ve always told my mom she couldn’t “leave” without me. We would go together. The irony of the accident was that I’d just left the hospital; was released and told that I was in “perfect health.” Negative forces were definitely displeased. I couldn’t understand how someone could not see an entire car. I couldn’t stand that I saw the car coming at us, into my side, and couldn’t yell out fast or loud enough for there to be a reaction that would’ve gotten us out of the way or the other car to stop. Obviously I blamed myself for something that was completely beyond my control.
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I’m not sure exactly when it was or where I heard the saying “life is what you make it”, but that is something that has always stuck with me. Regardless of the situations I’ve been in, I’ve repeatedly thought to myself it is what I make of it. Sometime just before graduating from college I made an album on my Facebook page (and yes it is still kicking) that I titled Life Is What YOU Make it. The album basically consists of photos of, well, me. Let me be more descriptive here. The photographs range from pics of me as a toddler to college and events etc. But that isn’t what this post is about.
At the close of 2015 and the start of 2016 I decided that I would get my happy back.
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Truth be told, it has always been something I’ve struggled with. I am unsure as to how or when it started. I am unsure exactly what sets it off either. Social phobia. It doesn’t happen in all social settings. There are times that I find myself the life of the party. There are times that I am the one that starts the conversations and pump up the volume. Then there are times that I am anxiously awaiting to be alone. There are times that I want to simply be a shadow in the background and fade away. It is a lot. It is draining. And this is the first time that I am exploring and sharing my feelings about this.
I’ve always toyed with the idea of having social anxiety, but have always dismissed it for something smaller. I’ve held on to the title of being shy. I’ve accepted that I have introverted moments (although there are some people who wouldn’t agree). I’ve accepted that when I have bursts of extroverted moments how important it is for me to rest and recover as it truly alters my productivity and mood. I thought as I aged and matured things would change, but things haven’t. I can vocalize my need to be alone, but I am always stuck trying to explain why. It sometimes comes out as annoyance or even anger. It’s tough.
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I’ve been back living at home with my mother and step-father for a little over a year now and I’m noticing things about them that I am sure has happened while I was away. It makes me laugh when I have to constantly try to explain different technologies to them. My mom is now a pro at turning on laptops, getting on the Internet and logging into her email account, but she still can’t figure out how to copy and paste or upload a document. My step-dad always has a cooler phone than I do, but aside from placing calls and text messages, he’s clueless on how to save contacts and change ringer profiles. Typical “old people” stuff.
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