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I Clung and Now he’s my Loss

“You only lose what you cling to” – Buddha

what-is-he-doing

I’ve never did an actual update about Proud Dad/Long Distant on this blog. Those who follow know he was the prize out of four hopeful new friendships from dating apps, and for those who don’t know click here. I was skeptical about writing about him in grave detail for many reasons. One major reason I didn’t write more about him was because of my unsureness. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know if a friendship would grow and a relationship would blossom, but in case it did, I wanted to keep it pretty private (not secret, just private). Another huge reason for the lack of updates was because I’d really started feeling this guy. It was a positive experience and I keep hold of those kinds of thoughts and memories as it is tough for me to write down in full detail what has occurred or what I am feeling (I guess it’s too much excitement), and I’ve also made it a thing to jot down negativity to get it out and I want to keep all of my happy within. PD/LD had become a big part of my happy. Reason three, I didn’t want him to think me strange or obsessed (he may now :/) if I did write more about him. I mean he knew I’d written a bit about him publicly and even read it, but I didn’t want it to become a thing even if he did ask if I were going to write about him again, “why not?” and “you should.”

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When will it be Enough?

Emotions and vulnerability are things that I have always struggled with. It is tough for me to open up to others on an emotional level. When I was younger I cried for everything, just a big ole softy. As life progressed I harden from situations mainly with family and “friends.” But even throughout the transition from shy, happy-all-the-time, crybaby Vi to bold, laid-back, angry quiet Vi I’ve always dealt with other people’s emotions better than my own.

I know it may seem like a big contradiction considering some of the things I’ve shared on here and on my Tumblr, but it’s true. It is easy for me to be vulnerable for someone else and help them through a tough and maybe emotional situation, but it’s a huge struggle for me to deal with my own. I usually bottle up my personal issues and release it far after. And even when that happens, I feel a bit of regret and anxiety as to why I’d shared that information/moment with someone when I don’t feel like I’m being listened to or the person I confined in isn’t attempting to understand where I’m coming from.

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Disappointment

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This is in opposition of my last post. I get both sides of it, I guess. I came across this meme on some social media site in October. It really hit home around then, because I was expecting a LOT from so many different people and it seemed they were failing me left and right. Seeing this I realized I was placing this unspoken pressure on them. Not only did I want them to meet an expectation I had, but I’d never even mentioned it to them. In each situation it wasn’t a materialistic expectancy. I’ve figured out all of my expectations with others are emotional or relationship based. And the reasons I may just expect it and not speak about it is because I struggle with being vulnerable and I’m ALWAYS there for others emotionally without request. Shouldn’t I be given the same?

‘Well, yes, yes you should be given the same Viola’ is exactly what I’d been telling myself. With that mindset I endured loads of disappointment that I carried with me into any conversation or situation I’d had with that individual I’d placed expectancy on. I had to get over thinking I was obligated to receive the same. I realized what I already knew, everyone isn’t programmed the same, and I’m placing myself in this realm of disappointment. Everyone isn’t willing to reciprocate what’s given to them in a positive manner. And that’s okay. I can’t fault anyone for that. I shouldn’t fault myself for that either.

– Viola Constance

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Pedestal Pressure

This has been something that’s weighed heavily on me for some time now. For as far back as I can remember (and I have a memory like an elephant), I’ve always been strangely “praised” for things and placed up on this pedestal. I’m not sure when I was put here or by whom, but many people have added to it. Friends, family, teachers, employers, peers, and even strangers. It’s tough and the pressure is crazy!

This pedestal  is towering. I had no clue it existed let alone me being on it. The comparisons, the responsibility, the pressure. The pressure of disappointing others, when I’m already weighted with all of the self expectation. The pressure of failing others, even though I’m not sure how I’d fail them and from what. It’s crazy. It’s like an unspoken task that people load off on me and at some point I pick it up and bear the burden of completing it with no actual guidelines for successful completion.

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The Day After Election Day

First let me start off by saying I have never been into the whole election bit. I’m not sure if it’s because I do not feel I am adequately knowledgeable about this topic or it simply bores me, but one thing is for sure it is something I don’t believe in at all. It has always seemed to be some sketchy-dumbass thing to me. Now as an adult I can articulate that that “sketchy-dumbass thing” more than likely it is some hidden agenda and the false sense of democracy. I’m not here to bash voting and all else that comes with elections, I’m just not with it on a large scale. I would honestly prefer to vote on the local and state level, because I feel like that is where true change is made. Aside from that, change is within each of us.

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To Live & Die in LA

Growing up in South Central LA…

you become desensitized by too many things. One of those things is gunshots. I’d recently come back from a trip to Thailand and had been thinking about all of the people who do not get to experience some of the things I am able to and who have no idea about life outside of their city (aside from what they see in the media). At around 3 a.m. I heard gunshots as I was walking from the bathroom and back into my bedroom. I didn’t think anything of it. Just thought some fools being dumb around the corner. Moments later I heard my dad stumble out of bed and run for the door.

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Life Is What You Make It: Leaving Comfort Zones Behind

2016 has been very good to me I must admit. After going through a tough year in 2015 – dealing with depression and more- I completely shut all the way down. Looking back I realize just how bad 2015 was. I was down in the dumps about plenty. I still hadn’t been admitted to a graduate program, I was waitlisted then declined to go to Peace Corps, I went through the long and tedious application and interview process to be a probation officer for LA County and was rejected nearing the end of the process, dealing with family and personal issues, I was at a job that I had a love/hate (loved the clients, hated the organization) relationship for, and unbeknownst to me back then, I hadn’t seen any of my really good/close friends in over a year. I was literally a robot. I’d routinely get out go to work, write a bit and sleep until the next day to do it all over again. Somehow I managed to groom myself and eat occasionally to keep up appearance. I told everyone all was well, but really I couldn’t see my purpose. My confidence was declining. That joy, hope and love for life just wasn’t there. Then one day I decided to share my feelings with those closest to me.

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